Once again my thoughts are shifting toward those topics that we just don’t discuss. There are feelings and emotions that are so raw no amount of words can help heal. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get past the grief. No matter how much time I have, it will always slap me in the face. Just when I think I have it together, those are the moments my face hurts from the slap I wasn’t expecting. In those moments when I’m still trying to grasp onto what just happened, I know, somewhere deep inside there is healing taking place. One day I pray my pain won’t be so bad. I do pray, however that I never forget. I never want to forget these days, I never will forget these moments that I needed to be carried. Like this aching in my foot reminds me of how fragile my body is, I pray my heart will ache as a reminder of the lose I suffer everyday.

A very dear friend recently told me I am grieving. I wasn’t really sure how to put my feelings into words. But she did, she knew what was embedded deep inside. She could identify with my emotions. She didn’t tell me I need to get over it. She didn’t tell me to be thankful for what I had. She didn’t tell me that she knew what I was going through. She didn’t try and out feel me. She didn’t feed me that spiritual lingo so many others think is comforting. She didn’t cliche my situation. I was a person with ligitament feelings and I deserved to be treated like I matter. She just listened and shed those tears for me that I can’t seem to let come. She validated me and put her own trials aside to listen to my heart. She prayed with me. She knew I needed prayer more than anything. She knew that I knew all that she was going to tell me, so she didn’t try to comfort me with words. She was my angel.

I heard a song today, seems I’ve been hearing alot of songs lately. Sometimes lyrics really speak to me This song by Kari Jobe really summed up my feelings today:

“What do you see?”

A question you do not want to hear when you are looking in a mirror. The last thing I want when I am looking in a mirror is to be reminded of everything I see.

At this particular moment I was getting dressed for one of my hubby’s ball games. I really can’t seem to put on my belt without a mirror. I know it sounds funny, but I always need a mirror to put my belt on. So this is what I was doing, when my husband walks in. Apparently I was looking very intently at the mirror because I did not hear him come home. He startled me a bit and and I contemplated his question. He broke through my thoughts with a startling comment:

“I bet what you see and what I see, are very different.”  

I smiled at him and he flashed me one of those “ha ha that was a good one!” looks.

As the night went on, that question kept burning in my mind. “What do you see?” I could come up with all kinds of things I see in the mirror and I’m pritty sure none of them would be very nice or pleasant to think about. I was up most of the night and this question was burning a hole by now. So, I made a list of all the things I see in the mirror.

It was a very long list so I won’t share it. I will say this though, I was disgusted with myself for even thinking some of the things I wrote down. I would never speak of anyone else that way, or even think it, shouldn’t I give myself the same respect? How about more?

This list was not what I was meant to be. This does not define who I am as a daughter of Christ. All this list does is hinder me  from becoming the women of God I am called to be, the mother, the wife I am and want to be. So I had a burning ceremony, in my kitchen sink.

Father, I know you created me for your purpose, forgive me for being selfish and putting down the body that you gave me. I am yours!!